


The Best Smut Fic You Will Ever Read

by rezi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: IF YOU DARE TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY THEN YOU WILL SPELL NOTHING BUT DISASTER FOR YOURSELF, Not to be taken seriously, Other, Please Do Not Take This Seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-17
Updated: 2014-04-17
Packaged: 2018-01-19 19:00:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1480558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rezi/pseuds/rezi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leave your headcanons at the door.<br/><em>This</em> is how troll sex works.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Best Smut Fic You Will Ever Read

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lordlyhour](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lordlyhour/gifts).



> I have no idea what I'm doing. The one thing I'm sure of is this: I'm going to regret posting this.

[Let's set the scene. Our two characters are lying in a pile of scalemates. Or smuppets? Or horns? Actually, maybe not horns, that would be sharp and uncomfortable. Maybe they're not lying in a pile at all. Maybe they're on the floor, or even on the bizarre human contraption known as "a bed". Who knows? And who cares, anyway? Imagine what you like. Reading is about the imagination! Anyway, all that matters here is that these two are going to get down to some SERIOUS SEXY TIMES.]

[Who are these two characters, anyway? Well, if you've clicked the link through to the fic -- perhaps even through the adult content warning, unless you've got it turned off, you daring devil-may-care fic reader you -- you will probably have seen the characters this is tagged with. But I'm going to introduce them anyway.]

[First up, we've got Dave Strider. This is his first time, y'know, DOING THE DO, and he is making every effort conceivable to not be shaking like a leaf. He's also failing at this entirely. Partially because, god damn it, it's _cold_ in here with his shirt off.]

[Terezi has been poking his nipples for the entire past minute.]

[And yes, of course, there's Terezi Pyrope. She's down to her scalemate boxers and her bulbhuggers... gland holsters... wobble rucksack... heft satchels... HER BRA. She's greatly enjoying poking Dave's scrawny chest, but doesn't really know what else she can do. How does human sex even work, anyway???]

TEREZI: D4V3 TH1S 1S SO FUN  
TEREZI: YOUR L1TTL3 CH3ST LUMPS 4R3 JUST SO T1NY 4ND CUT3  
TEREZI: H33H33!  
DAVE: yeah but um  
DAVE: thats not really doin much for me  
DAVE: could you  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: maybe take your interest somewhere else  
DAVE: thanks  
TEREZI: HUH?  
TEREZI: HUM4N B1OLOGY 1S W31RD  
TEREZI: BUT OK4Y

[WH4T NOW? She takes a big sniff of Dave's body, turning over the different scents in her mind. Eyes? No, he'll never allow her near them. He still has his shades on, even now. That's some commitment to shades-wearing, right there. Alright. She could explore further into his mouth, but they've made out plenty of times before -- this is the time to cover new ground, to conquer territory she has never entered before! She could venture onto his neck, but the skin looks pretty fragile there and she doesn't want to risk a misstep with her teeth. The chest is old news, the midriff is boring, so she considers further and further down until...]

[That's odd. There's something arising in the lower regions. She's never smelt anything like this before, so... it must be a direct consequence of the situation they're in.]

[She can work with this.]

[She slips a few fingers under the waistband of his trousers and underwear, slowly tugging them down. Dave flinches, but doesn't resist. Must be a good sign.]

[Then the thing itself emerges. It's just a standard human penis of course, but Terezi's never seen one before.]

TEREZI: WH4T 1S TH1S??  
TEREZI: 1TS SO W31RD 4ND WR1NKLY!  
DAVE: oh thanks  
DAVE: that is doing HELLS of good for my confidence here  
TEREZI: 1TS OK4Y  
TEREZI: 1 L1K3 1T >;]

[A short pause. Dave can't help but stare in the direction of Terezi's pelvis. If she finds the human equipment weird... what does she have down there? It can't be too out of the ordinary... can it? His mind races...]

DAVE: so  
TEREZI: SO??????  
DAVE: so um  
DAVE: what about you  
TEREZI: WH4T 4BOUT M3???  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: what do you  
DAVE: have  
DAVE: down there

[In any other circumstances, Dave would be slamming his palm to his face right now. Smooth, Strider! Smooooth!!!]

[But Terezi gets the idea. Giving a smile that's half coy and half terrifying -- and all arousing, strangely enough -- she continues in her flirtiest of voices:]

TEREZI: OHHHH  
TEREZI: YOU W4NT TO S33 DO YOU??  
DAVE: well  
DAVE: yeah

[Another round of applause to Dave Strider!!!!!]

TEREZI: W3LL 1F YOU 1NS1ST  
TEREZI: TH3N 1 SH4LL OBL1G3!

[She is so much better at this than Dave is, he notices. She's got him mesmerised as she slides down her boxers, slowly, seductively. Inch-by-inch, more grey flesh is revealed, culminating finally in --]

[OH GOD.]

DAVE: WHAT THE FREAKING FUCK

[A tiny but perfectly-formed dragon is curled around a tiny bulge on her crotch, sleeping with its wings folded. A touch from Terezi rouses it; it springs to life, stretching out its wings and letting out a sharp, shrill cry.]

DAVE: WHAT IS THIS  
DAVE: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON  
TEREZI: 1TS MY DR4GON  
TEREZI: WH4T W3R3 YOU 3XP3CT1NG?  
DAVE: I DON'T KNOW  
DAVE: JUST  
DAVE: WOULD A GODDAMN VAGINA BE TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR????  
TEREZI: WH4TS 4 V4G1N4  
DAVE: JUST A THING THAT YOU WOULD ACTUALLY EXPECT A FEMALE HUMAN BEING TO HAVE!!!!!!  
TEREZI: BUT 1M NOT 4 HUM4N B31NG  
TEREZI: SO 1 DONT KNOW WHY YOU WOULD 3XP3CT TH4T >:?

[The dragon glides over to Dave and bites the tip of his penis.]

DAVE: OW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
DAVE: YOUR FUCKING DRAGON BIT ME!!  
TEREZI: TH4TS WH4T 1T DO3S  
TEREZI: TO 1N1T14T3 TH3 M4T1NG R1TU4L  
DAVE: I DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE MATING RITUAL!!!!  
DAVE: I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE MY DICK CHEWED OFF BY A DRAGON!!!!!!  
TEREZI: YOU S41D YOU COULD H4NDL3 TH1S  
DAVE: THAT WAS BEFORE I KNEW YOU HAD A LITERAL FIRE-BREATHING DRAGON IN YOUR PANTS!  
TEREZI: NO 1 DONT  
DAVE: WELL NOT ANY MORE  
DAVE: NOW ITS TOO BUSY CIRCLING MY FUCKING COCK!!!  
TEREZI: NO, 1 M34N 1T DO3SNT BR34TH3 F1R3  
TEREZI: TH4T WOULD B3 STUP1D!  
DAVE: YEAH, JUST AS STUPID AS, YOU KNOW, USING A GODDAMN DRAGON TO HAVE SEX!!!!  
DAVE: YOU KNOW WHAT  
DAVE: IM OUTTA HERE  
DAVE: FUCKING DONE WITH THIS SHIT  
TEREZI: NO, W41T!

[Too late. Dave's marched out of the room. He hasn't even bothered to put on his pants...]

[Terezi hears some commotion down the corridor. Ah yes, the unmistakable raging tones of Karkat Vantas, but more flustered and confused than usual... she can only just stifle a giggle.]

[Karkat marches in. He looks almost traumatised.]

KARKAT: HUMANS HAVE THIS WEIRD... _APPENDAGE!!!_  
KARKAT: DID YOU SEE THAT???  
KARKAT: WELL OBVIOUSLY NOT SEE BUT...

[Only now does he snap out of his shock and realise that there is a very nearly naked Terezi in front of him.]

KARKAT: TEREZI!! PUT YOUR DRAGON AWAY, OH MY FUCKING GOD!

[He covers his eyes, allowing Terezi to wriggle back into her boxers.]

TEREZI: Y3S, 1 S4W  
KARKAT: I MEAN, IT'S NOT EVEN DETACHABLE!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!!  
TEREZI: 4ND H3 TH1NKS WH4T 1V3 GOT 1S W31RD  
TEREZI: W3LL, 1T COULD H4V3 GON3 WORSE  
KARKAT: HUH? HOW?  
TEREZI: H3 COULD H4V3 S33N YOUR CR4B

**Author's Note:**

> Months later, Rose Lalonde was found wandering the corridors of the meteor, unable to do anything but repeat: "She had a grub... a grub..."
> 
> This troll anatomy headcanon is the headcanon to beat all headcanons and no one can ever tell me otherwise. Actually, forget "headcanon". It's totally canon, man. CANON.
> 
> (I can safely say that this is the most stupid thing I have ever written. I don't even know what happens in my brain sometimes...)


End file.
